So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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