I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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