I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
