I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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