I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
