he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
