Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Someone signed my nipple.
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