Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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