I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
porn star boner night. come get it.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
