I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
