I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
