you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
