You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
