I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
