sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
