I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
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this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
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Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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