I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wish you could order shots online.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Your penis caused this!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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