Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
