She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
