Kiss
Puke
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
