my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
