So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
