Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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