i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
