The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
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My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
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And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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