I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
