he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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