Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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