Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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