Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I will die if light touches me.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
