Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
