um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
