my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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