She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
