Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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