Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
