So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
