does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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