I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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