What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
