Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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