My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
