the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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