I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
