Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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