you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
They are going to name an STD after you.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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