You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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