There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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