i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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