wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
