Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
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