I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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