Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
