Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
