I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
