He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
