I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
