and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
