I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
