Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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